My mom’s evening makeup

Since I was small I had looked at my mom putting her makeup on daily basis. In the morning and evening, even on her days off. I remember her trying different ways, always trying our new lines, new colors. Every time i saw her putting makeup in the evening after shower, i was asking her is she is going out, but she would always say ‘NO”, when i will ask her why she is putting her makeup, she would say “Just like this”.

When I grew a bit older, my mom’s habit dd not change, still the same morning makeup and evening and always during her days off.

Now my mom is retired and she is most of the time at home, but makeup is always on, in the morning and in the evening.

No like my mom at all, i was always preferred free make up look, i loved my hair simply straight down and with age i have started to apply aging preventing creams and oils. Very very occasionally, due to some events, i would put my self together but applying BB cream and Mascara, and again no lipstick.

One day during the family dinner, my father said to me, that i should use makeup, and start to look after myself, “you are not a teenager anymore`’ he said. Though during my teenage days I loved putting makeup but he always scolded me for that, but this not why i don’t like makeup. I don’t like putting make up because the make up i able to put is very simple, even if i put it on, people will never see the difference, the reason i can not make complicated makeup with super eye lines and do smoky eyes, because my left eye is very week and i can not see with it properly, so if i close the right eyes i can not draw the pretty lines, so no matter how hard I try my eyes are always uneven. But i can never say this to my parents, in order not to make them worry.

But back to my mom. Once i had my friend visit my family with me fore few days. He was really amazed by the way we follow the traditions at home and how clean my mom can be in terms of the household. He was telling the story about this visit to everyone. And once, while telling the same story to one of our friends he said that he never saw a woman as my mom, he said that my mom should be an example to all women. He has notice that my mom will brush her hair and change her close to take the trash been outside and she was always does her make up retouch in the evening before my father come home from work. BEFORE MY FATHER COME HOME FROM WORK. So this how i have learned why my mom was putting evening make up on everyday, till now, on daily basis, for more then 35 years.

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That deep cut that keeps on bleeding

I am not sure how old i was that time, those days got blurry and no matter how hard i try they wont get erased from my life. 

Was it before i went to school of was it when i was already going to school, its hard to remember and I rather not to ask my parents about it, soon you will understand why. 

His name was Andrey Li he was son of my uncle, my mom’s brother, he was younger than me i don”t remember was he younger than me by year or two. I remember we met his mom and him on the street of our neighborhood, and my mom has invited them to our apartment, our moms quickly caught up in conversation and when I ask my mom if we can go for a swim, they let us go. we were both of us two small kids alone swimming in the pound, Andrey drawn that day. ………

My mom send me away to my fathers relatives and i have spent time there, but people talked about it around me, I dont know if they thought that i was too small to understand and feel the guilt, or they talked about it in front of me in purpose, in any cases it did hurt a lot. those days i felt that everyone around me hates me and i couldn’t defend myself and no one would do that for me as well, all my cousins all my aunties and uncles, even my parents, i wanted to disappear and I wanted to be invisible, i wanted to die. 

time has pass don’t ask me how just like this days after day, I don’t remember that, i have managed to erase them in order to continue living. My parents never spoke to me about it, no body asked me about it, as well nobody had offered me a comfort, no body told me it was not your fault, no body told me this is life this can happened NO BODY !!. 

Years past and my cousin grow up and now grown boys they keep on talking about Andrey in front of me and they would say if its not you, he would be still alive. I have started to avoid them all, i have avoided seeing Andrey’s father, my uncle, i could not look into his eyes till the last moment. He passed away last year, and this weight got heavier , that cut got deeper, I did not asked him to forgive him, I did not have enough guts to do that, and now when he is not in the world, i wont be able to to that and I am meant to live with this guilt till the rest of my life. 

Sometimes i want to ask my parents why they behaved in that way, why they did not gave me a comfort, why they did not talk to me about this why they did not help me to have some kind of closure. But i know i will never do that, because i am scared to open this subject , remembering this whole situation remembering what I felt, makes me feel the pain, the same  pain, not a bit lighter, same strong and painful pain, pain that sometimes makes me feel that my heart is stop beating. 

You know when you have those moment in life and you say ” Jeez how more unlucky i can get in my life?” I always ” Jeez being responsible for the death of your cousin is not enough?” 

Well i guess i still did not pay my dues for that 

The policy of moving in with your boyfriend ( papa’s rule)

In post USSR period lots of new things got into our lives, like sort of a freedom of opinion and freedom of action for young people, we have became a bit bold with what we say less care what others will say about our actions, Thou I say we, I have to say that i am still living till now by the social rule of 90s or 80s.

Growing up in USSR on top of everything in Korean family, was taught in so many ways, rule number one was never make your parents down, always make them proud, so they could brag about their children and other could praise them. It was one sensitive part of each parent and each family, and till now this is what my parents still want, and i have to say this weight is very difficult to carry, each and every decision I make and step I do will effect their life in a way, so you do the imagining.

Going back to being bold, one day I found my father sitting on the bench in front of our apartment building so i sat next to him and i asked  what he was thinking about man and woman moving in together without getting married, i was only 15 that time. I was expecting my dad would look at me with the judging look that could make me run away, or to tell me to shut up and stop asking stupid questions but he did not react anything like that.

– hmm

he said

– what i think about it? i have anything against it, if it done in a right way then that should be no problem at all

he said

– what you mean by correctly?

i asked, still shaking inside, from a shock that i could managed to ask my dad this type of question.

my father did not looked at me once he just continued with his thoughts about it

– well I think in a way this is good idea to try to live with man before getting married to know if you are a right match for each other, because marriage should be for life, but before they both move in together, they must have their own places to  return to, not back to their parents houses, they must have they own home to return to, where they will feel comfortable after the split , and live without any judging comments of their parents and their parents will not get judged. And if they have siblings still living with the parent that will be even harder for them to handle, just put yourself in this situation and think how would you feel living again with your younger brother and sister after that, you will never feel like you are home again, you will always feel like you are guest.

after saying this all, again he did  not looked at me, i think because as per his living world rule he was not supposed to say this to his daughter, I think he was feeling a bit awkward as well as me. He raised up from the bench and walk toward the building entrance, we never spoke about it after that, but this i will never forget.

after I have left the country and moved to UAE the first i saved money for was my own place, and i go it !!!

TAKE THAT – Took the lead of my life

Imagine 1993 i am only 14, i have read about TT in a very popular among teens newspaper called ” Ya Molodoy” means I am Young. I didn’t know nothing about those guys, by that time I never listen to their songs i have only saw their faces. A whole page was dedicated to the most popular boy bands of that time in the world, but living in USSR in Uzbekistan, how could I know whats going on outside the communism walls that was very strongly bullied  thou by that time the crack have already started to be shown but still the shield were very strong. 

Every time i had chance to visit the music store that used to sell home recorded tapes, with the list of songs written by hand on a the cover, I used to ask about TT, I was lucky and i got their second album, before hearing the first one, and then i got into TT madness like all the other teenagers around the world.  It was very difficult just to listen the tape all the time, i was hungry for more information I wanted to know everything about them, but i didn’t know how to do it at that time, just to make myself a bit satisfied i have started to learn the meaning of their songs they were singing, this is how i have started to learn English. a huge old vocabulary was like a peace of me those times and with my school level English i had to struggle a lot. 

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Then I have post an add in the the same newspaper ” Ya molodoy” that i am looking for fans of Take That and i really need help. And the number of Letters i used to receive was unexpected, postman had to keep the boxes with the letter by my door because all of them would not fit in mailing box. I received lots of cut out from he newspapers , posters and even tapes with their unreleased songs, I was living in the cloud nine between the new songs of T and new letters from my new friend from different corners of the planet, and my English has improved and i have made it as my major. 

My nickname was Tasha Barlow, now need to explain why :). and my old friends still call me like this till now. I was dreaming to go to England and all i wanted to take a picture next to GB house.

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1996 the world has turned upside down, but thanks to GB and his solo songs i have managed to go on. 

I have translated each and every song of TT into Russian to learn the meaning of song this helped with my English a lot and English helped me to get my job at 19 at the first 5* hotel in Tashkent and my English helped me to move to UAE at the age of 20 and all i am right now it is all because of TT and GB. 

I missed them, i have lost my inspiration without them, thou i was busy with trying to survive in this difficult life i always had TT at my heart, i have tried to check about GB at that time and i was very upset when i couldn’t make it to Howard’s DJ gig at that time Holiday Inn Bur Dubai, that time i felt like i have lost my last drop of happiness of seeing TT and their spirit. 

And then they have decide to return and they did, they have returned as a KINGS and they still have the same hallo  on me as they did before. 

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Every time play TT old song i can return to my teens times, and I can recall the feelings and the thoughts and the joy when I gave TT the rights to lead my life with their songs. a

GB !! I Thank you for being my first love, my true inspirational my mentor and my idol, i am looking up to you till now and i shall do it always. 

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LONG LIVE TT 

Funny episodes of my childhood ~ what that means girls has become a woman

It was just another summer I was spending at my grand parents house, those years I remember, all our extended families used to come visit my grand parents for weekend, we used to all hung our in the evening in our open kitchen at the big dinning table in the yard.

My parents used to visit me there during the weekends and enjoy some fresh air and nice fruits and veggies from my garden. That year I have become a woman, but who would tell to a 10 years old that getting her period means changing form girl to a woman.

That time everyone used to watch an Italian series called Sprut with detective Cattani, so in one of the episodes nanny informs him that this daughter turned into a woman.
After trying to guess myself so a few hours, i finally gave up and ask my uncle, yes not mom not granny i asked my uncle.

I am sure my uncle didn’t feel like laughing as i did when i suddenly remembered this all, he just told me to ask my dad again not go and ask your mom he told me go and ask your dad.  I think we have same structure of the brain.

I have waited till my dad come to visit me, few days passes and of course  forgot about this at all while enjoying the summer with my friends, lucky my uncle did not and he reminded me to ask my dad.  And I did.

I remember my dad and my uncle were looking at each other trying to hide their emotions but i finally got a reply. After hearing him out i said OK and continued enjoying the summer nothing wrong putting into my head,  not even understanding the point that i have actually turned into woman myself. Reminding you that i was only 10, so i have an excuse and  my mom to blame and her genes for early ability to mature.  But thinking about it right now, i feel a bit ashamed of this question and very sorry about it in front of my uncle.

Uncle I am sorry 😀