TO BE ….

I am not the one who walks in circles

and make those steps like one, two, three

i am not the one who sing like singer

and read those notes like do, re , mi

i am not an actress in the movies

and can not play the roles and lie

i am not a writer not a poet

and never even publish any books

I am a girl with normal heart size

two lungs, one head and good one eye

I am a girl with dream imagination

and with the hope for better life

i’ve never wanted be a dancer,

and never wanted even try to write

i’ve never wanted be an actress

i wanted be a doctor to save lives.

BUCKET LIST

Drive under the rain with roof top down

Learn how to paint

Jump from the plane with parachute

and never faint

Learn play guitar, at least one song

Learn other language

Do what i love to do for once

Write something in two pages

Say how i loves them every day

and never be ashamed of

donate not only cloths and money

donate my soul and heart for

Go travel with just backpack

and meet a lot of friends

buy house by the river

and never make amends

Give birth and then adopt

be mother and be sister

learn how to talk with signs

so i can hear them better

Be part of bride and groom

and wear a wedding dress

dance with my father (not to cry)

and hear my grandpa sing again

Two rings -9-

Rick and Helen were staying for a night at the house of their grand mother, the house was old but well maintained. Rick every year tried is best to make a light refurbishment and made sure that his grandmother has everything she needs to feel comfortable. Their grand mother was old, but  she still managed to live a busy life, looking after the pets and chickens, and small garden she had. She lived with their aunty who was a widower.

In the early evening Rick had met his childhood friend for a drink, he always enjoying the company of his friend, because he lived a different from him life, he was married has kids and he was always telling Rick different stories about happening in the island. listening those stories always made Rick wanna settle in the Island, he loved Jeju a lot.

– you know we have so many new hotels opening in the beach area next year, the construction are going on like crazy, we have lots of work this days, the pay is not bad and good things the pay is always on time.

– this is really good to hear, i was wondering how did you managed to survive last year.

– don’t tell me, it was really hard for me and my family, but this year is different. Right now we are building a new hotel with Yang constructions, and its their first project on a Island, and at the same time we are building a house for the honer of the company.

– Yang construction? I know this family

– really. how close you are to them? they are really very rich. I saw today Dan Yang, he looked very presentable and very down to earth, he shake hands with workers on the way and thanked them for a hard work, then arrange the food delivery for the shift. I am telling in my work history it is for the first time.

– i met him once, he is really a very kind person and he really look simple.

– his daughter as well.

– you saw his daughter, which one? The one who do not take flights, and always travels to Jeju by boat.

-ha?

– yeah she is here too, she came to check the land for the house, she was sitting there for a long time, taking pictures and making some notes. they told me she will design the house. And I heard the managers told to the other that she was very smart, she came already knowing everything about the landscape of the island. I think she might stay here for a day or so.

– do you know where is the piece the of that land?

on the way back home Rick had picked up Helen, who was with her ex classmates, enjoying karaoke and they walk home together, talking about the memories about the island, about their mother and about how they find it difficult to speak on the islands dialect at first.

– Brother, sometimes i think our mom was the happiest when we were here, i think she enjoyed it the most, I remember her smiling here the more then we were in Seoul.

– mm, now thinking of it, i think you are right. Our Mom had the most beautiful smile, the smile that could heal the wounds and take away all pain.

– may be all those wounds and pain had stuck with her, thats why she got sick.

– May be.

Rick sat in front of his sister and offer her a piggy back ride.

– I am not a little anymore, and i weight a lot more now.

– don’t worry, your brother will always be stronger for you.

– one day when you will get married, i will have to share you with your wife, so please be careful when you will chose.

– don’t worry, the one I have chosen is going to be so great to you, you will be surprised.

– what? you have decided to marry?

Rick laughed and gave a sign to his sister that he doesn’t want to talk about it anymore. But the thought of his marriage to Tina was a painful subject for him, thou Tina was not in hurry, he was still thinking that it was something too early even to discuss. So they have spent a night together, so they have had what they have had, but in this century it is not a reason for a marriage.

” Ah i wish i could remember the night, at least”

Dan had scheduled  late flight for his private jet to Seul so he could have a dinner with Leah and talk to her about so many things. Dan knew that Leah will finish late but Dan did not want to lose his chance of one on one conversation with her. It’s been a month since they could have a time for each other, Leah took too many projects and now the house, she was running non stop and this is what worried Dan the most.

Alex was drinking in the Heaven with Bong, Bong was invited to the club by Alex and they were in their private zone, with curtains down, slowly drinking glass after glass.

– If leah will know ,we are going to be in a big trouble.

Alex took another glass in and said

– She is in Jeju for couple of days, Mr. Lee is with her, and the rest guys i can handle.

– is everything ok with you? This is the first time i see you like this.

– Do you remember i have told you once that me and Lean has been kidnaped once.

– yes

– so that man who had did it, died couple days ago. I should have found him first and beat him up for all what he did to my sister and me, i should have found him and kill him myself, at least one punch, i wanted him to look in to my eyes awhile he was suffering from pain, i wanted to see him suffering.

– Alex! all this time it’s still hints you, I thought you have moved on.

– I still see him at nights, i still see him….

The door got opened and Tina walked inside the room. Bong stood and gave his greetings.

– Bong nice to see you, sit lets drink.

Alex pour a glass for his sister and with no words to say for each other they took their glasses in, then another one right after. Then Tina moved to her brother’s side and put her hand around his shoulders and said

– Only today, and i will do it with you, only today and tomorrow you will put this things behind you, for Lean, you will erase everything about this man from your memory.

Alex throw the glass agains the wall and cream so loud, Bong raised from his seat, and Tina make a sign to Bong to sit back, she took a new glass and poured a drink and gave it to Alex

– Drink, we need to get it over with. Bong, you drink too, today we drink till we pass out, so we will wake up to a new tomorrow.

In a hour, Jang saw how three big guards were taking three drunk people to the underground parking.

– Mr Lee did you check on Alex today, i was trying to call him but his phone is off.

– yes he was with Bong today they were playing bowling and then Tina joined then and t look them for a dinner.

– Tina took them for dinner? really? Hmm

It was for a first time Mr Lee had lied to Lean, he perfectly knew what was happening in Seoul, after all he hired those man, one after one, he hired the best guards in the country and they have never failed him so far. But in the afternoon, he had received a message from Dan ” Only for today, don’t tell Lean what Alex is doing, only today tell your men, to take easy on him and Tina”

Dan was sitting in his hotel suit and looking at the SMS he had received from Tina. “Father, you know what is the day today, me and Alex will celebrate, so please keep your guards out of it, today me and Alex will send of this man to hell in our own way”

Lean was inside the suite looking at he father and smiled

– what is this you are thinking about?

Dan smiled and looked at his daughter, he got up from the chair and gave her a big hug.

– Mr, Lee, please ask them to serve the dinner.

Dan gave instructions to Mr. Lee still hugging Lean.

– i didn’t know you miss me this much,

– i miss you always, but right now i want to pass you some of my energy, because i feel like you are look so tiered and weak.

– Father, you are mistaken.

in few minutes the table was set for dinner and when Lean saw the food she was shocked

– what is it?, is it some kind of celebration, its enough to feed an army.

– the food on this island is very good for your health so you must eat a bit of everything, i am worried about you, you took another project, this time even did not asked me about it.

– Sorry,

she said, asking like a small girl

– I took it because it is very interesting, and the project will start right after i will finish the current one, its something i have never tried, i always wanted to put my hand on a project that involves a connection bridges.

– Ok, but this is going to be your last project, after you finish the project, you and I both will travel a bit and then you have to take over the company, i want to retire.

Lean put the spoon back on the table and looked at her father, who was busy sipping his soup.

– father, please give me few more years, i still need time, i won’t be able to do it without you. I knew that sooner or later this day will come, and i have always made myself ready for it, but i never knew this will happen this soon. Are you not feeling well? may be you need just take a bit of rest.

– don’t worry i am not going to leave you alone at once, You are right couple of year i will be by your side, i will guide you, don’t worry, but you must stop taking project, and start to work in the head quarters.

Lean did not want to argue with her father anymore, she perfectly knew that, he had been waiting for her for quite sometime now, he needed her help and she suddenly felt sorry.

– Sorry father, i know i have supposed to help you and start with you at head quarters years back, You are right, i will not take more projects, this is the last one and once we finish the house too, you can move here and enjoy the island. Please forgive me, father.

– Khmm, know you make me feel guilty a it, stop saying sorry, eat and eat a lot.

Lean smiled and said

– yes father, i will today till i will explode.

Lean later took her father to the airport and on the way she told him that she had visited her teacher.

– really? you did good, i bet she was happy to see you, i bet she is happy to know that you still remembering her.

– yeah and i saw another flowers there, i think se has some family members  are still visiting her. She was so beautiful and so talented, She was one of the reason i did;t want to leave Korea that time. I missed her a lot in States, she was a great teacher, and i have learned so much from her.

Dan listen to his daughter and quietly looked outside the window, looking at the dark street of the Island, Today when he visited her too, he told her that for the first time in so many years, he wished they had never met and he wished that he never loved her so much, and he asked her to look after his children and ask her to do something to ease their pain that her husband has caused.

– One time she told me that when she found her true love she had become much better at art and when she had lost her love he had become much stronger in her art. And i have realised not long ago, that once i was good at my art and now i am just strong and accurate, rather then passionate.

Dam looked at her, removed her hands from the rings she was holding and said.

– one day you will find your passion again, you will find your passion for art and for love. I am sure about it. The love that stored inside you is yet to come out and spread like a volcano. and just like this Island, it will turn out to be beautiful and will bring you lots of wonders.

Lean put her head on her fathers shoulder and wrapped his arm with hers and nodded her head.

– I really hope for it, my daughter, my precious daughter.

In the night of the same day, Tina and Alex let the alcohol to fight with their bad memories, and Dan was trying to fight his own thought about his one and only love. Lean was fighting her thought about the future and Rick was  just staring at the stars and thinking about how his mother once said to him.

“one day when you will find your true love, that love will even outshine the brightest star on the darkest sky for you.”

– somehow all the stars are so bright for me, even the smallest star is still shines brightly for me.

Two Rings -8-

It was a night with the full moon, and all the members of Yang family could not sleep, this day had woken their memories back into their lives. Tina was going through the paper she had been collected for so many years, articles about Rick, information about his parents and pictures of his young sister. Dan was quietly crying his pain out with Leah’s picture in his hand and with the present address of Rick’s father. Alex was sitting at the window and looking at the moon, holding a small camping knife in one hand and the picture of a man who kidnaped him once and leah was standing at the studio in front of her unfinished work and after covering it she touch the rings on her neck turned around and looked at her picture when she was 16, and thought that no matter to which side of this room she would look at, both are bringing her only pain.

And in another side of the city Rick was drinking alone in the dark holding a letter from Lee Ah to his mother, the letter his mother never had a chance to read.

in the morning Dan was waiting for his children for breakfast, Leah was the first one to join him at the table, with the bright smile she asked him if he slept well and with he gave her a smile back and asked

– I want a new house by the beach, what you say?

leah looked at her father with the surprise

– why suddenly?

– i want a new house with only good memories

– this is a great idea Daddy

Tina said while joining them at the table, looking at her father with the smile, and Dan smiled at her back.

– I think Alex will not be happy about it,

Leah said looking at her brother slowly taking the stairs down.

Alex was walking down the stairs, with hair still messed up, he did not faced his father, nor brush his teeth, when he reach the table he bow deep and said

– Good morning my elders.

and sat next to Leah and waited till his sister will put some food for him on his plate. Dan was looking at them and said

– no matter if he is 5 or 20 Leah you still treat him as a boy,

Alex smiled at his sister and said

– Sis, even when i am 40 please treat me the same, because i love it.

Leah look at her father and asked

– Father your eyes are swollen a  bit, i think you need to check your blood pressure. I shall call for a doctor.

Tina looked at her father trying to find the explanation then he looked at Tina, Tina came to his rescue

– i bet its all bout that late night ramen he ate

– ramen? Dad you still do that?

Alex was looking at his father and said

– next time at least call me.

Leah gave Alex a look and made him stop talking, he looked at her father and said

– Dad what about a chess game later?

– yes, why not, today i am all yours i hope you all stay home with me today and we spend some quality time together.

– Dad, when will you let me drive my car?

Leah pinched his arm and point at his table, letting him understand that its not a time.

– I have a date with Rick later today, but till then I am free. But i am not watching you two old people playing that boring game for hours.

After breakfast everyone went to their rooms, Alex to take shower, Tina to catch up with work appears, Leah to make calls regarding the work and Dan to check on information he asked for regarding Rick’s father.

And in Rick’s house Hana was trying to sober up her brother.

– Dad its time for you to give up the game.

Alex said watching at the chess desk, sitting between his sister and his father.

– no i still have a chance

Leah smile and said

– yes father, you still have chance. Alex look at ti closely i think you can see it as well, there is one move that can save him from losing this game to me.

Alex noticed a slight wink sister showed him, it was a sign, so Alex moved to his father side to have a close look at this situation, when he got it he said

– yes, you are right sis.

Lean looked at her brother with the smile and said

– Let’s see if father can find it. Father, if i win this game i want you to ease my security, from 3 to 1.

Dan looked at her daughter and as Tina said he had the pain in his heart

– no way

– then you must win this game

– Alex, you must help me, this game i must win no matter what.

Alex clap his hand as if he won the game

– Dad i will help you with one condition, you will let me drive my car.

– No way

– you will let me drive my own car but i will still ok with guard follow me around in their cars.

Dan, made the sound of cough and said

– ok

Leah had made another acting act by saying

– Alex i have never expect this from you, in the end you betrayed me, and i thought you will always be on my side.

in the evening on a same day, Dan was alone in a big house, sitting in study room and looking at the picture on his computer, the picture had been send to him by e mail. On those picture was Rick’s father, pictures of a homeless man, wondering the streets of the small city, drunk, dirty and obviously very sick. As it was said, this man was beaten up so many times, he had a liver cancer, due to drinking and he already had few months to live.

in the evening on a same day Rick took his sister for a ride on his new car, thou the guards were still following them, Alex was happy to have his own car, his own small space. On the way they picked up Bong and three of them enjoyed some street food and late night stroll in a night market.

In the evening on a same day Tina was at the club with Rick, they dance and drink and dance and drink, later they went into the hotel and spend the night together. It was a part of a revenge for Tina and it was something Rick will not even remember in the morning. But he will be told by Tina that after that night Rick will have to marry her, because there is no other way for her, and he have to take responsibility.

One month later Rick’s father has passed away and with Helen they both went to Jeju to spread his ashes. Dan has given instruction to notify Rick about his father, without letting him know the details.

After they finish with the fathers funeral, both went to visit their mother, there were flowers placed looks like the day before.

– Oh flowers again.

Said Helen then bowed to her Mother and said

– Mom we sent father to you today. I am not sure if you are happy to met him again.

Rick put his hand on his young sister shoulder and looked at his mother’s picture

– We are fine Mom, you don’t have to worry about us any more, I promise Helen will get a good education and she i will make sure she will marry a good man. I can see you were not so lonely here, who is bringing you this flowers all this years?

– yes, mother and i can see two people came to see you this time.

Leah was on a construction project in Jeju, busy talking with the construction team, she did not even noticed her own father who was looking at her from the side.

– increase the guard of Tina, i want to know everything she does, screen all her calls and report to me each person she meets. Its time for her to be transferred to Seoul, speak to the Head of the company and tell him i need him to come up with the solution, but so she will not notice anything.

– yes sir

– Did you assigned one person to follow Rick?

– yes as you have requested.

– are they in the Island?

– yes sir, visiting their mother.

– make sure you update me on daily basis,

– yes sir.

– Speak to LAT, tell them they need to sign him and make sure Tina is not aware its my doing.

 

Tina just received a call and news about the Rick’s father, she dialled another number and it was not Rick

– That man has died. we need to celebrate.

Two rings -7-

Rick was sitting on a pink sofa and he had his mind going crazy what all what happened in a last few minutes. He was looking at Tina but thinking about Lee Ah, a girl he was in love with in a high school, the one he was trying to find during his famous times right till he entered the army.

– I can see you are nervous

Tin said, sitting next to him, she wrapped his arm and put her head oh his shoulder and said

– Don’t worry, my father is the last person you need to worry about, he is very simple person, just a little bit over protective.

Rick finally manage to put himself together, he looked at time, kissed her hair and said

– he is your father, after all, and i feel like running away from this place, like a small kid who is running away from being punished or judged what what he did.

Tina smiled but did not show it to Rick.

– Lets go! they must be waiting for us.

By the pool when all the young boys where having so much fun, Dan was caught in his thought, after Leah told him that Tina is dating her art teacher’s son. And no matte how she praised him, before meeting him, Dan already wanted to set them apart.

– Daddy!!

Tina was running toward her father.

Dan with the forced smile, trying hard to pretend opened his arms for his daughter, who will always be his little princess, who has bubbly personality, kind and clueless heart.

– I miss you my princess.

– i miss you to my King.

Rick gave a deep bow and introduced him self to Dan.

Mr. Yang had greeted Rick with the smile, he looked at him studying him, shook his hand firmly and wish him to enjoy the party, and left, saying he has work to finish.

Rick search for Leah in the pool and found her setting the table with the food, Alex was running next to her trying and making her smile, then she pushed him into the water and  made a small jump enjoying the fun.

– i love seeing her like this, it happens very seldom, thou she smiles a lot now, it still not usual her.

Rick looked at time , who was watching her sister as well.

– you might remember her in school, one day i want to hear how you remember her.

Rick did not hide his surprise look,

– how you know?

Tina smiled at Rick and said

– i know.

Then she wrapped his arm again and asked if he is hungry, but Rick was so confused all he needed is a time alone to put this mind together.

Tina did not try to stop him from leaving, she made him promise her that they will spend everyday together till she has to leave back. Rick promised and after saying good bye to the rest people and Leah, he left.

And the party going on.

Dan was sitting in his study, drinking whisky and looking at the window, watching how Rick driving away.

– they are so much a like, aren’t they?

Dan turned and find Tina standing by the door, she entered the house and close the door.

– Tina,

She stood next to her father looking outside the window and said

– I know you loved his mother, this is why you took Leah to that school, and i know that it was his father, who kidnaped Leah and Alex, and i know because of his mother you let him go and took Leah and Alex way from me.

– Tina,

Tina did not give his father a chance to speak

– I will make him pay for it.

Dan looked at his daughter and could not believe to what he heard and to what he saw, he never imagine his Tina like this and he never imagine to hear anything like this from his princess. The look in her face was like she was someone else, a complete stranger.

Tina continued, but without even looking at her father.

– Do you remember that day when you first brought Leah to our house?  I mark the day as a special day, because me and Alex had finally learn what is the meaning of a family. You told us that thou we are not blood related, she should be treated as our real sister. At first I was jealous that she will take you away from me, Alex was too small, he got attached to her so quickly, and i felt like she was talking my family away from me. Mother never cared about us much, you were always busy at work, Alex now had Leah and i had nobody. One day at school i was given a homework, which i din’t do it, because it was a coloured paper craft and i was supposed to do it with my parent so i just decide to to be scored by teacher rather than ask Mother to help me. But at the middle of the night i woke up and saw a light coming to my room from the corridor, and my door was a bit opened, i walked to the door and saw Leah doing my home work for me on the floor, her hands were covered in glue, colour papers all around her.  Next morning i found it on my table and for the few days she never even asked me about it, never even asked to me to thank her.  Next week i went to her myself with my next assignment and we did it together. She packed my lunch box every morning, she did my hair, she helped me with my home work. After all this i still did not want to accept her, only when I saw her on her knees in front of mother asking her to stay for me and Alex, because we needed her, and offered her to leave if it will make her stay, Mother said to her that she rather keep her at this house, because like this she feels less guilty leaving for Europe and staying there as much as she wants, because she could use her as a excuse for leaving. Leah said with the tears in her eyes, that she is worried about me the most, “Tina need a mother not a sister, every child needs their mother, because nobody can replace the love of mother. Tina is a fragile if you will not give her your attention and your love right now, she will lose all her loveable nature, she will stop trust people, she will not be able learn what is it to be loved and to share the love” and in return mother said “don’t compere yourself to Tina, she will never be like you, she will never be orphan and she will never have to live in the strangers house, she will be strong and with a power, because she will have money, and money will give her everything she will need”. After that Leah got up and with a bow she relied. “have a safe trip, and i promise i will take care about Tina and Alex, i will do my best to give them much attention so they won’t feel lonely without you. And please let us know once you rich safely and settled in Paris”

Tina wiped her tears and continued

– I lost my love and respect for my own mother that day, but i have gained so my confidence in life because i got Leah next to me. from that same moment i looked only at her, i relied only on her, in everything in my life. After they have been rescued, remember, Alex refused to leave hospital without her, thats why he slept on the sofa, he didn’t even want to change his closed and the stink was all over the room, but he still refused, he did not let anyone to touch him, only when she finally woke up, only when she finally could say a word, only after he hugged her and saw her smile he let people change his clothe and give him a shower in the hospital room, and for the next 3 days, he was sleeping with Leah in the same hospital bed, eating with her, reading to her.

Dan sat at the desk and made himself another drink, he did remember every second of those days, and the feeling of sadness, guiltiness and anger was awaking in his heart. He will never forget this incident, never ever in his life, this is the reason why he has always protected his own children with double security guards. he finally looked at Tina and said

– I remember how you cried in your room, and telling me that you wish you could do something for Leah, to feel her less in pain, I remember you told me that you wish it was you not Leah who had suffer.

– I was angry, and tears had never helped me, no mater how loud i was trying to scream, no matter how many pillows i teared, this anger till now is very strong. I always wondered how could you managed to control it, You daughter at age 16 was molested by the husband of the woman you have loved all your life.

right after this words, Dan got frozen in shock.

– I know you never knew that, Leah till now doesn’t know it. Alex told me that when Leah had lost her conscious, man removed his pants and touched her everywhere. Alex  was too small to understand it, so i told him not to tell this to anyone and just forget about it. One night Alex called me in a middle of the night crying his lungs out, because he saw the night mare and he remembered what he saw, That time they were in states, Alex had skipped the school and wondered in the park the whole day, before calling me. I promised him that i will make that man pay for what he did, i have promised him that i will make him suffer too.

Tina refused to look at her father, because she knew what he is going through right at that moment, she wanted him to understand the mistake he has done by letting that man go with out a proper punishment.

– all you did is made him lose his job and leave Seoul, this all what you did, because he was a man of the woman you loved all your life, you made the choice and now when she is not on this earth you will have to live with the guilt and regret. Each time you will look at Leah, your heart will be in pain, each time i will look at Leah i will hate Rick more and will wanna hurt him more, each time i hear Alex voice i will remember his call and i will wanna hurt Rick more, because he is the only person who is alive, because his father is already near to the place where he can meet his wife.

Tina stopped her talk and left the room, leaving her father to manage this thoughts. while walking to her room she stopped by the parent’s bedroom, she opened the door and looked at the room, this room she will always remember as a room where her mother told to Dan that his punishment for love for the other woman will bring him more pain that he ever thought. She told him that his is not the one to suffer any more, it has effected his kids as well, this is where she told him that she is leaving him for good, because he does;t want to be a part of it, and the part of his family.

– this woman love had cursed you and this curse is now on your children. Her husband is a victim just like me, we both decided to take advantage out of it, with out even knowing each other, he wanted money and i want only money.

Tina closed the door and waked away, she stopped at the door of Leah’s room now, she touched the door but never opened it, because that room is full of pain. In side this room Leah cried when she was leaving for states, inside this room, Leah cried when Tony died, in side this room Leah screamed at nights after she returned from hospital, but yet it was the room of Leah, the room of Tina’s best friend, best sister, best person alive.

Perhaps

http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/capital-weather-gang/wp/2015/01/08/rare-middle-east-snowfall-deadly-cold-piles-on-misery-for-syrian-refugees/

those people screaming silence

because we can not hear

those people bleeding soul

because we can not see

they straggle every minute

we lived the life this year

yet we complain and they are silent

because again we did not hear.

so people die, some try to straggle

so we just think its not our fault

the life is not that easy

to think of someone other more

if i will help and you will listen

and others too will try to hear

perhaps the silence will be broken

and everyone will hear and see

Not Posting, yet I’m drafting

again i am drafting words by words

and saving them not posted

not cause i feel  that they’re bad

they’re just so true about me

if they will read they’ll come to know

what i am feeling, what i am thinking

i am not worried to be judged

i am afraid of being non-sensed

sometime one word can say a lot

and may be even tell the story

about how I feel myself

right now, thats why i am so worried

i’m drafting and i am not posting

like keeping it for better days in file

i guess its opposite, the feelings

to post the sad one when i am fine