That deep cut that keeps on bleeding

I am not sure how old i was that time, those days got blurry and no matter how hard i try they wont get erased from my life. 

Was it before i went to school of was it when i was already going to school, its hard to remember and I rather not to ask my parents about it, soon you will understand why. 

His name was Andrey Li he was son of my uncle, my mom’s brother, he was younger than me i don”t remember was he younger than me by year or two. I remember we met his mom and him on the street of our neighborhood, and my mom has invited them to our apartment, our moms quickly caught up in conversation and when I ask my mom if we can go for a swim, they let us go. we were both of us two small kids alone swimming in the pound, Andrey drawn that day. ………

My mom send me away to my fathers relatives and i have spent time there, but people talked about it around me, I dont know if they thought that i was too small to understand and feel the guilt, or they talked about it in front of me in purpose, in any cases it did hurt a lot. those days i felt that everyone around me hates me and i couldn’t defend myself and no one would do that for me as well, all my cousins all my aunties and uncles, even my parents, i wanted to disappear and I wanted to be invisible, i wanted to die. 

time has pass don’t ask me how just like this days after day, I don’t remember that, i have managed to erase them in order to continue living. My parents never spoke to me about it, no body asked me about it, as well nobody had offered me a comfort, no body told me it was not your fault, no body told me this is life this can happened NO BODY !!. 

Years past and my cousin grow up and now grown boys they keep on talking about Andrey in front of me and they would say if its not you, he would be still alive. I have started to avoid them all, i have avoided seeing Andrey’s father, my uncle, i could not look into his eyes till the last moment. He passed away last year, and this weight got heavier , that cut got deeper, I did not asked him to forgive him, I did not have enough guts to do that, and now when he is not in the world, i wont be able to to that and I am meant to live with this guilt till the rest of my life. 

Sometimes i want to ask my parents why they behaved in that way, why they did not gave me a comfort, why they did not talk to me about this why they did not help me to have some kind of closure. But i know i will never do that, because i am scared to open this subject , remembering this whole situation remembering what I felt, makes me feel the pain, the same  pain, not a bit lighter, same strong and painful pain, pain that sometimes makes me feel that my heart is stop beating. 

You know when you have those moment in life and you say ” Jeez how more unlucky i can get in my life?” I always ” Jeez being responsible for the death of your cousin is not enough?” 

Well i guess i still did not pay my dues for that 

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